kinda weird

I have so much to say right now, my thoughts are overflowing and I find it hard to let them calm down a little. I'm tired like physically tired but I can't sleep, I'm still waiting for a reply from a very close friend. She's at the airport now in Birmingham heading off to Hong Kong with a guy friend of hers. This trip of hers, I don't know, I just sort of have this bad feeling. I think it's the worrying. First of all, she only met this guy in college like in last September/October so I'd say that they don't know each other that well. Not as well as a friendship like mine and hers. Even her parents doesn't know about this trip of hers. It's worrying, really. I don't know what will the guy do to her and I hope to God that he doesn't do anything inappropriate to her. If I learnt that he did anything to her that's remotely inappropriate, I will destroy him indefinitely. I just got her flight number, I wish nothing but her to have a safe flight and safe holiday. I've told her to send me a message everyday to let me know that she's safe and sound. I think I'm slowly transforming into a mother figure. At least this preps me for the future, I guess.

It's been almost 2 weeks since we lost Mr. Anbarasen. He was Ms. Shaamini's husband. It was unfortunate that he left us, so early and so young. I never believed in that whole thing about praising the dead after they are gone. But now that it's happened so quickly and so suddenly, everyone's in shock. Pity seems like an awful word choice here but it's the only word I can think of right now. I pity Ms. Shaamini to a great extent. I'll never forget the day where she saw me and asked for a hug and said 'my husband's gone, my life's gone' while crying hysterically to me. And suddenly, all the consoling words that I've practiced the night before just went blank. My mind went blank. The only things that I could say were 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry' and I just started crying. I mourned for her loss. I couldn't stand seeing her like that. It's hard to know that your pillar of strength crumbled into million pieces in an instant infront of you. After the funeral, I didn't really wanted to talk to anyone for a few days. I needed some time alone, for no reason, just some time alone.

I miss holding your hand and I miss your presence. I miss seeing that smirk on your face whenever I turn and look at you. You'd just sort of look away. I also miss whispering into your ear about potential gang members and we both agreed to walk back. I miss sort of hugging you. I miss being able to talk to you constantly. I miss calling you affectionate names but I guess that was probably just a fling. I miss that 'thumb-thing'. I miss that you held me back while holding my hand when I playfully said that I'm going to leave. I miss those affectionate long essays, not the ones that hurt me and made me cry. I miss everything about you. I hope and wish that you still like me and that one day we'd get together or something. I really do hope so. But some things bother me because I can never guess what is going through your mind, I'd feel like I'm supposed to be a damn bloody good hacker to crack all your codes and I don't think I'd want that. I just spent like 20 minutes going through our affectionate chat again and it made me felt great. Great that we had that, sad that that's gone now. I think I'm living in the past too much. I just miss you and I hope you miss me too. We could have been a damn great one, we could have. 

3:50am.