defeated

I feel defeated. 

I have people who love me and supportive friends but this is so hard. I'm having such a hard time. I feel like it will be better if I just ended it all. So I won't be haunted by my nightmares, my insecurities, my flaws and everything else in the world. If I ended my life, the pain I put my loved ones through will be enormous. So I don't know. I feel like I'm stuck between being in pain and putting people in pain. I dislike both of those. So I feel like I'm in more pain. And I don't know. 

What's the point of it all?

What is the point of recovery?

What is the point of taking medications?

What is the point of pretending that everything is ok?

I can't do this. 

I really fucking can't. 

This is so hard, I can't do it.

I'm so tired. 

I just want it all to end.