mess

it's so funny to see that my life is literally falling apart and i'm just here watching. i really dont know where i went wrong in life so that this has happened. the whole fucking shit. for years, i was so scared of telling her because i knew that she'd disappoint me like this. that alone was enough to make me decide that i'll end my life when that happens. it's some fucking dumb logic but its things like: i love my mom to death, i just want her love & support and if she disappoints me then i have nothing to live for. it sounds so absurd now that im writing it out. i dont understand why she would side with him at all and think that i should somehow be okay with the fact that he touched me. like what the actual fuck, i can't fathom it. it pisses me off that she just tries to force things to happen so we can remain as a happy family on the outside. but what is happening inside is just brooding anger, resentment, hurt, petrified and disappointment from me, and that's just me alone. im sure both of them have felt negative emotions about the family. like, you know that im not going to just get fucking talked shit about by my dad, right? i've learnt to stand up for myself and in doing that, i'm deemed the unfilial and messed up daughter. 

everything just seemed so pinned around fucking me over. like fuck my feelings, assuming shit and just so fucking toxic. i feel like im constantly walking around a goddamn minefield. every step that i take is just gonna fuck me up more. i think the amount of emotional pain and distress skyrockets everytime i talk to my mom now. it just fucking sucks to know that my mom thinks that it's not molest and that i should talk things out so we can fix it together. what is it going to fix? by telling you that over the phone has already triggered a massive shitstorm that was just gonna amplify in waves. im so scared with each message that you send. i feel like my life crumbles apart more with each message. yours and mine. it's not going to fix anything. you already said that he literally said he'll kill himself if he actually did it. if i tell him face to face, god forbid, that it did actually happened. who knows what's gonna happens next? there's already enough pain in all of us, i dont wanna cause his death. im not inhumane. assuming or saying that i dont care about how anyone feels just fucking hurts. do you really think i dont care? jesus, if i didn't care then i would've said fuck all and just cut ties with him. if i didn't care, then why would i be hurting so much? 

im so tired of arguing. i genuinely cannot deal with it anymore. i am so fucking emotionally exhausted from everything that has happened in the last 3 months. i just want understanding. but that's such a distant concept to achieve. i've just been guilted by excuses so they'd get some leniency over it. im just so disappointed, not as a person, but just as a daughter as well. how can you say these things to me? how can you assume all these bullshit and say them to get some sort of response from me? you said yourself that im a hedgehog, you know that i will fight back and things can get ugly. and goddamn, it has been. just such a rollercoaster of shit. 

i swear, just something kill me already. fucking end my misery already.