2020/2021

 here i am again, writing after a very long time. not exactly wrong because i journal from time to time. 

2020, the year of what-else-could-go-wrong, is finally over. im kinda glad the lousy year's over, it has been a mix of anxiety (a fuck ton of it), grief, rejection, despair and loneliness. on the plus side, i had a lot of time to think about things, maybe a bit too much but i've been unemployed since may now, time does not feel real at all. 2020 was not about living or thriving, it was just pure survival mode 24/7 for me. i wake up everyday in a house full of busy-people (w/ friends, work, relationship) and i look at myself and i feel so so so embarrassed. im embarrassed that all i have been doing is nothing for the past few months. i feel as if a parasite on people sometimes, be it money or relationships. im happy for them because of what they do, it gives me a faint feeling of hope that i will someday be like that too; living and thriving. 

i dont know if im hopeful for a good 2021 but i will try to focus more on the good than the bad. that sounds way easier than done because somedays i find everything to be overwhelming. im starting culinary school, if the visa stuff pulls through (i hope to god it will) and im excited yet scared. im excited because i cant wait to learn more about the art of cooking. i say the art of cooking because i find that cooking is therapeutic to me, serving a service is thrilling every time because the rush of putting out good food for others to eat and enjoy. im scared because it's going to be a new environment and i feel like my social anxiety gets the better of me when it comes to a crowd of strangers. i know i want to be the best that i can be when im in culinary school as i have promised myself to put 110% in it. i know that it will be tough in the future when i get into the culinary business but im sure i will be able to handle it, given what i have been through emotionally i think. 

notes for 2021: 

• be better at money (i.e smoke less, cook more, less delivery food etc.)
• depending on schedule, get a fucking part time job already
• put in all your effort in culinary school, please for the love of all things holy hazel
• establish and maintain a good relationship with mum and dad
• read more books (or at least finish up what you have on hand instead of buying more new books)
• focus on self-love because you will always have yourself, forever tied to the flesh prison
• see the good things everyday and find joy in the little things
• things will be okay
  

i should have my last cone of the night and maybe do some online shopping, i say as i just said to be better at money. ah the hedonist in me. we'll see. 

goodnight.