im someone who sees a lot of flaws on myself. i know everyone does this, but i do it so unhealthy so much so to the point where i can't even believe the words of others. people love and care for me because i am me, but i hate me because i am me. it's funny, really. i always ask my boyfriend what does he like about me, but i tend to question him back, making him doubt his feelings for me. for that, it saddens him because it seems like i dont believe him. truth is, i want to believe him so badly that i constantly want to hear it from him or other people. but when i do hear it, i dont believe them. for what reason? i honestly dont quite know. i find flaws about myself and constantly just use them against myself and i dont know why. i dont know why i choose to hurt myself this way. it hurts but i can't stop doing it. it's like im almost addicted to criticising, belittle and beat myself up over everything and anything. i want to be happy, but why am i doing things that are the opposite? why am i putting myself through all these? i dont know. i think its these moments of clarity that make me realise that some part of me still wants help and to get better. but these moments of clarity often disappear quickly.
im someone who bruises very easily but also likes to pretend that everything is okay.
i cant write this anymore. not tonight. maybe i'll continue it tomorrow. but not tonight.
1st july
here i am, trying to write this post again. maybe i should just stop trying. maybe it's best that i just dont do this at all. this is tough. but what isnt?
continuing with what i wrote yesterday. i am someone who bruises easily and i like to pretend that everything is fine. why do i do that? i dont know. but it isn't very helpful. i think i have never really got better from how people have hurt me in the past. i hold them close to my heart and let it hurt me. in a way, im hoping that everyone i meet one after another won't hurt me like how the last person did. it's a very naive and stupid though. but somehow, people manage to find a new way to hurt me. i dont think i can ever forget it. it's just stupid, really. i try so hard to be happy but i keep whatever that's hurt me so close that i continue letting it hurt me and stay unhappy. i dont know what kind of bullshit logic is this, but it's my dumb logic, haha. im a fool. a hopeless romantic fool.
i think about jenn a lot. i think about him so much. i've accepted the fact that he's gone, numerous times. i feel like a broken player, just repeating this all the time. but i just dont understand why i can't seem to move on even though i've accepted the fact that he's gone. i can never get closure as to why he chose to leave even though it pained him. does he think about me as much as i think about him? does he ever wonder if im happy? was i anything to him at all? i realized i dont really have anything to relate to him anymore. his number doesn't mean anything anymore, his name pains me, the memory of us seeing each other for the first time in korea is starting to fade so much so im starting to think if it ever happened. i cant be so sure anymore. it seems like almost everyone reminds me of him and everytime it happens, my heart breaks a little. i still hold the hope that we will meet each other someday again. but i dont quite know if it's going to happen. life is not a movie, certain things happen and someone pays the price of not knowing what happened forever. i still can't bring myself to delete his number off my phone and the conversation. they are the only two things i have of him that reminds me that he exists and im not delusional. i dont think im off the rails yet, so im pretty sure he isnt from my imagination. he exists somewhere in this world, but he prefers to shut people out of his life and it's sadenning, no? but for now, i dont know where he is and i dont know how he is.
sometimes i wonder if people would be better off without me. i wonder what the world would be like if i never existed. i think it'd still be the same. wars would still happen, people will still die, people's lives will still continue. i think the only difference it would make is to my parent's life, but i dont know to what extent. maybe they would be happier? maybe they would be miserable? maybe they would have more children? maybe things would still be the same. but i cant really be sure. i've been alive for 18 years now, i haven't really contributed much yet. but if i did make people i've met happy for even a slight moment, i think i'm okay with that. im not sure if in the future, i'll contribute anything big to the world and i honestly dont know if i'll be okay with that. i've always wanted to help the helpless, but if i can't even help myself, can i really help other people? i dont really know.
sometimes i cant tell if im awake or if im still dreaming. my dreams and nightmares seem so real sometimes, when i do wake up, i dont know if im still in it. i dont like talking about my nightmares anymore. i think the more i talk about them, the more i'm trapped in them and not being able to escape from them. it's scary, isnt it. i thought talking about them would help, but by talking about them, i'd have to relive them and i very much prefer not to. i want to avoid them at all cost. i haven't been sleeping well again. every night i wake up at least 4 times and each time i'd be frustrated over the fact that i cant seem to just sleep through the night. hell, even sleeping pills don't work me. all they do is make me high, hallucinate bad stuffs and have a short time amnesia. it's bad. sleeping pills are bad. hell, even my antidepressants are shit when i go through its withdrawal symptoms.
it's so cold, my fingers are freezing and i find it hard to type. im at a cafe and its cold today. winter and hot chocolate is the best combination. i think im done writing these sort of things for now. i dont know when the next would be, but we'll see. hell, it might even be tomorrow.
1st july
here i am, trying to write this post again. maybe i should just stop trying. maybe it's best that i just dont do this at all. this is tough. but what isnt?
continuing with what i wrote yesterday. i am someone who bruises easily and i like to pretend that everything is fine. why do i do that? i dont know. but it isn't very helpful. i think i have never really got better from how people have hurt me in the past. i hold them close to my heart and let it hurt me. in a way, im hoping that everyone i meet one after another won't hurt me like how the last person did. it's a very naive and stupid though. but somehow, people manage to find a new way to hurt me. i dont think i can ever forget it. it's just stupid, really. i try so hard to be happy but i keep whatever that's hurt me so close that i continue letting it hurt me and stay unhappy. i dont know what kind of bullshit logic is this, but it's my dumb logic, haha. im a fool. a hopeless romantic fool.
i think about jenn a lot. i think about him so much. i've accepted the fact that he's gone, numerous times. i feel like a broken player, just repeating this all the time. but i just dont understand why i can't seem to move on even though i've accepted the fact that he's gone. i can never get closure as to why he chose to leave even though it pained him. does he think about me as much as i think about him? does he ever wonder if im happy? was i anything to him at all? i realized i dont really have anything to relate to him anymore. his number doesn't mean anything anymore, his name pains me, the memory of us seeing each other for the first time in korea is starting to fade so much so im starting to think if it ever happened. i cant be so sure anymore. it seems like almost everyone reminds me of him and everytime it happens, my heart breaks a little. i still hold the hope that we will meet each other someday again. but i dont quite know if it's going to happen. life is not a movie, certain things happen and someone pays the price of not knowing what happened forever. i still can't bring myself to delete his number off my phone and the conversation. they are the only two things i have of him that reminds me that he exists and im not delusional. i dont think im off the rails yet, so im pretty sure he isnt from my imagination. he exists somewhere in this world, but he prefers to shut people out of his life and it's sadenning, no? but for now, i dont know where he is and i dont know how he is.
sometimes i wonder if people would be better off without me. i wonder what the world would be like if i never existed. i think it'd still be the same. wars would still happen, people will still die, people's lives will still continue. i think the only difference it would make is to my parent's life, but i dont know to what extent. maybe they would be happier? maybe they would be miserable? maybe they would have more children? maybe things would still be the same. but i cant really be sure. i've been alive for 18 years now, i haven't really contributed much yet. but if i did make people i've met happy for even a slight moment, i think i'm okay with that. im not sure if in the future, i'll contribute anything big to the world and i honestly dont know if i'll be okay with that. i've always wanted to help the helpless, but if i can't even help myself, can i really help other people? i dont really know.
sometimes i cant tell if im awake or if im still dreaming. my dreams and nightmares seem so real sometimes, when i do wake up, i dont know if im still in it. i dont like talking about my nightmares anymore. i think the more i talk about them, the more i'm trapped in them and not being able to escape from them. it's scary, isnt it. i thought talking about them would help, but by talking about them, i'd have to relive them and i very much prefer not to. i want to avoid them at all cost. i haven't been sleeping well again. every night i wake up at least 4 times and each time i'd be frustrated over the fact that i cant seem to just sleep through the night. hell, even sleeping pills don't work me. all they do is make me high, hallucinate bad stuffs and have a short time amnesia. it's bad. sleeping pills are bad. hell, even my antidepressants are shit when i go through its withdrawal symptoms.
it's so cold, my fingers are freezing and i find it hard to type. im at a cafe and its cold today. winter and hot chocolate is the best combination. i think im done writing these sort of things for now. i dont know when the next would be, but we'll see. hell, it might even be tomorrow.
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